That's a job for...me

In the past I have habitually been a worrier - will I have the money for this bill or that bill, what if this happens, what if that happens, what if this and that happen and then we are really fucked... I spent more time worrying about what someone else may do or say and how that may affect me and I have to say that, as I have grown older and, presumably wiser, I have called bullshit on that whole way of thinking and being.

Yes, I can prepare for the future by knowing I am in a 10-month position, I can save a certain amount of money each pay to ensure that my bills are paid during my 10 weeks without pay. I can plan meals for the week and even prepare them to aid my husband and I so we can spend as much of the scarce and valued time with our children as we possibly can and ensure that we are eating healthy and delicious foods. Oh, how easy it would be to simply run to KFC and buy them popcorn chicken but, ew...

My husband and I know, our time with our children is fleeting. I mean really, one day they are born and the next day they are 25 with one child and one on the way. That means, we want to spend as much time as we can simply focused on our kids - not on screens, not worrying about what tomorrow holds and not dreading what the next ridiculous notion some influence outside our home tries to throw at us.

Being mindful is a great way to cherish what is truly important in our lives. It gives us the opportunity to hold onto the people we are spending time with. When it is simply my husband and I, being mindful gives us the opportunity to grow our relationship, have fun and make memories as we communicate and adventure together.

 Lately, for me, I have also spent a lot of time focusing on me and who I am. Being a mom and wife sometimes takes away your sense of self; being mindful as often resulted in me finding areas where I need to embrace a change or stop resisting and let go of what is no longer serving me and is, essentially, holding me back. You see, I am a survivor of domestic abuse (from a previous relationship) and I am still healing from those experiences. Mindfulness has helped me choose the path I want to take with this journey - victim or survivor. When I am engaged in this manner, I am moving forward, thinking but what I need to do to keep progressing. When I dwell, I fall back and get stuck in that muck and filth.

I find many positives to this change in mindset that I am ever improving on and honing including much lower levels of stress and no more stinking thinking (or at least not as often because, hey, as much as some think I believe I am perfect, I totally am a mere human incapable of perfection and just doing my best along the path I create). Mindfulness helps me to stay focused on my diet and health and what I have deemed as beneficial for my body.  It has also helped me to put down my phone, stop the mindless scrolling through newsfeeds of useless memes and enjoy the company of the people who are with me, and to appreciate the beauty of the world around me.

Do you know what else I have personally found to lower stress levels in my life? Not giving a rat's ass what people think of me or how I choose to live my life. In this day and age of social  media and familial diversity and everyone being a life/health coach/expert, I have decided to simply live my life making choices that are best for me and my family. If that triggers someone's insecurities, mindsets or ideals, the onus there, my friends, is on them. I do not, and will not, continue to stress about saving everyone's feelings. If you are not paying my bills or directly in my circle, figure out how to deal with it yourself.

We can't put our happiness on others. Our happiness is our job. I do not depend on my husband to make me happy; he adds to my happiness. If I would like to go for a hike and he doesn't, I will gladly leave him to do whatever it is that he would like to do while I go for a lovely hike and enjoy some quite time of reflection and meditation, enjoying the scenery. If he does want to go with  me, then I enjoy conversing and laughing with my husband as we enjoy the scenery and exercise together. Pretty simple - happiness is an inside job. And ensuring that happens in my life is an on-going journey.

Caution: Hard hat area - construction in progress

"CHANGE can be beautiful when we are brave enough to evolve with it, and change  can be brutal when we fearfully resists." - Bryant McGill

I have done a lot of changing, especially in the last 7 years.

I have rebuilt myself - from the ground up. Seriously, it was a complete rebuild and overhaul. As I reflect, I am so proud of the woman I have become and who I am nurturing her to grow into. 

Even in those 7 years, I have faced many traumatic events from discovering one of my children was sexually abused by one of her relatives, to her suicidal ideation, to her realization that she would like to be "he" and the subsequent "death" of my daughter and "birth" of my son, the death of my nephew, the suicide of my youngest son's 15 year old friend, and, honestly, the list goes on and on.

In years past, one of those things alone would have broken me. I believe I have grown in exponential ways. Yet, I still am a work in progress - always will be. I embrace change - I love that I continue to grow and change daily.

Just breath or something

This whole balancing act we call "life" is difficult...like seriously. We have to be great and flawless moms, 100% involved step-moms but not too involved (only 100% involved when bio mom says it is ok and her self-esteem and self worth can handle it - so check in with her daily on what you are allowed to be for that day), and the epitome of the hardest working employee and on point each and every moment. On top of that, we want to be the best wife and best friend and best daughter, sister, cousin, dog mom.....whew, it is no wonder so many women face the high levels of stress that we do.

{Pauses to channel my inner Susan Powter - c'mon, you know you remember those commercials and infomercials}

STOP THE INSANITY!!!!

Who are we to think that we can do and be all?

Let's work on lowering your blood pressure and stress levels right now. And by you, I totally mean me but if you need to be listening to this as well...Let's do this.

1. Start the morning with some meditation.

I don't know about you all but I need to get deeper into my "zen self" by spending some time in the morning to steady myself, set my intentions for the day and prepare for the busyness of each day that day at a time. Maybe even to just take a deep breath or two and a nice little stretch to slow my day down before it even starts.

2. Take a breather

Throughout the day, I will take a moment here and there to simply breath. 5, maybe 10, nice, slow, deep breaths. In through the nose, hold, out through the nose. Sometimes I even close my eyes while taking my breaths and pretend I am on a beach full of the softest, finest white sand, where children under the age of 15 and bosses are not allowed. I may or may not have a bevvie in my hand and no food has calories. (If I am dreaming, I may as well make that dream as badass as I can, right?)


3. Prepare for the upcoming day

Each night I do as much as I can to prepare for the next day; make lunches for the kids, get my healthy meals and snacks prepped for the day, make sure each of us have laid out our clothes for the next day (including me) and have all the items we will need found and in appropriate backpacks and bags. No more running around like a crazed person looking for car keys, truck keys, notes to sign or homework...seriously, how will I ever function without that jolt of adrenaline because someone can't find something that is so important it will cause the implosion of the world if it is not found in the 3.5 free minutes that exist between getting kids out of bed, making breakfast, getting kids out of bed, getting kids out of bed, and oh yeah, getting kids out of bed.

4. End the day with some meditation

Clear your head. You did your best today. Don't beat yourself up over the could haves, would haves and should haves. If you didn't accomplish all you had on your list, stop putting such high expectations on yourself....or, if you really didn't do your best, let go of the guilt you are holding on to and stop beating yourself up.

Let go of what is not serving you...guilt, anger, frustration...let it go...

Maybe write in a gratitude journal, do some yoga, listen to some relaxing music, cuddle up to your honey or your dog and take some slow, deep, relaxing breaths.

Just chill, my homies. Your world will be a better place. For real...

I hate my body now pass the cheeseball

So here I sit with my smooshy belly smooshing over the top of my pants like it has never done before and I cringe every time I run or jump as my belly carries on long after I have finished. I look forward and plan for the day that I can stand before type for you that I have lost 5 lbs, then 10 lbs, then 20 lbs and finally, for the time being, 30 lbs. Once I hit that "pounds lost" mark I plan on re-evaluating myself (not just by the outward eye but how am I feeling in the health dept) to see if I would like to begin on another goal.

Here's to the 30 lbs I plan to say goodbye to in 2019/2020.  I'd like to blame you on baby fat but chances are slim that that would really fly.  My youngest is, after all, 16 years old - not even remotely a baby anymore.  Good bye Teen Burgers, Poutine, BigMacs, and Pepsi.  Beer, you are officially on deck; I'm calling in Water. I may call you up occassionaly but you shant see me as oft as you have nor as oft as you would like. You lure me in with all your good looking billboards and, for Pepsi, your bubbly, carbonated goodness.  Alas, I shall fall not for your tempting ways any longer.  My eyes shall not linger on your bacon filled buns nor upon your 2 pattied goodness. My taste buds will not savor your over-saltedness or your beery beerness and I shall be the better person for it.

I shall hold hands with my new BFF, my lovely water bottle. I shall walk 'til I can't walk and  I shall plan my meals, my snacks and my treats.

Fear not, Body, for I plan not on depriving you but, alas, you will not be recieving these treats in the allotments you have so grown accustom to.

This is the time of year where, if I were in better shape, could, should and would kick myself in the seat of my own pants but then I would need to speak not only to my weight but also to my flexibility. Let's attack one problem area at a time shall we? {and you know when this plan succeeds the flexibility thing should have begun to correct itself all on its own.}

So my friends, internet strangers and echoes of empty internet spaces,  I have a challenge to issue to any of you interested.  Who of you wishes to join me?  Anyone?  Anyone brave enough to listen to my cry and whine and rant and rave {sort of just kidding}, anyone else wanting to chronicle their journey from Ugh to Yahoo!?